68° fahrenheit

the first warm day of spring ended with a rainstorm.

i am incredibly selfish. i oftentimes feel that my loneliness will consume me whole. I am terrible and mean and i swallow my jealousy everyday like a sharp blade in my gut. I smoke too much tobacco and chew too much mint gum and i never dress correctly for the weather. i have failed at most things i've set out to do.

but today i walked through a storm in my sundress, the fabric pressed against my damp skin. i ate all the citrus and sugar and savory noodles my body could hold. i rolled around under the trees and felt the electricity of the roots. i got dirt on my good pants and grass tangled in my hair. i stained my knees with mud and peppered kisses on all my friends. i danced with the earthworms popping up out of the ground as we both wriggled, reaching for the sky. i went to bed with rainwater and perfume in my hair. 

in the next thousands of decades my soul will live, i will type wrinkles across my face like a history book. ill gain weight and regrets and far too many tears for my chest to handle. ill lash out and get angry and won't apologize first. i will be human down to my very wretched core.

but every night my bed will be warm and every morning my life will be mine. I will wear red lipstick to stain porcelain coffee cups. I will feel my jaw relax in the spring and I will let go of my rage under blossoming cherry blossoms. I will know the warmth of my arms better than the sting of my past. and when i feel the agony of emotion, i will know i have something to pray for. thank god, i'll think. thank god i am still an animal. thank god i am human. and thank god it still rains.